I won't lie, I'm totally not ready for that and I've really been trying to interpret what God is telling me in a different way that doesn't involve asking him to bless her. I'm still angry and I still feel like she doesn't deserve it. With that said, I have been routinely telling God that I not ready and that I needed to postpone that for a bit, until I am. Like I can actually pick and choose what and when I listen to our Almighty God.
Now to back up a little, I'm in the middle of the book of Numbers for my devotional time. Not only is it a super boring read, nothing super significant has stuck out to me (except Numbers 11, blog HERE ). I mentioned before the last time I read it I really didn't understand how the number of Israelites was significant to me, but reading it this time around has changed my perspective on it completely. It isn't just a book of "numbers", it's completely about obedience. God tells the Israelites to do all sorts of stuff, sometimes weird stuff if you ask me. When they obey...instant blessings heaped on them (mind you, this doesn't happen often. Most of the time they're whining). When they don't obey, people die (and I mean a LOT).
So God has been after my heart to really start forgiving her and praying blessings on her. Needless to say I DON'T want her blessed, so I decided not to pray it. Then on Sunday night, I was writing in my journal about this being my biggest struggle and was just about to write something about understanding that God wouldn't ask me to pray blessings on her if it wasn't important. I continued writing, "I don't know why He wants me to wish her well, but really knowing why isn't important. I know he just needs me to...obey."
There it was, I got it. I hesitated writing the word obey at first and all I could hear was God saying, "Go ahead Bruce, write it, write - Obey". So I wrote it. Then I knelt beside my bed and prayed for Dana. I ended my prayer by asking God to help her know He is still there for her and to bless her.
What it comes down to is this, God can't fully bless us if we're not obedient. He may bless us, but in order to receive the fullness of His blessings, we have to be willing to not question and be obedient to what He asks of us.
As long as we hold on to any unwillingness to be obedient, whether it's giving forgiveness or whatever it might be, we are only robbing ourselves of God's goodness and blessings. God will always be there to help through whatever He asks us to do, but WE still need to make the choice to be obedient. It is easy to obey the things we like, but the real test of our faith in and love for our Lord is our obedience to the hard stuff He asks us to do.
We often expect unquestioned obedience from our kids, but when our Father asks us for the same obedience, we offer the same excuses our children offer us. Then we get mad when they don't obey. Our God is way more understanding then that. I want to offer my Father the same obedience I expect from my boys.
Being Obedient,
Bruce
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